snow storm 2.5.10

12.9.09

My run this weekend was nothing special. Ran 4.5 miles out at the lake. Steve's sister warned me that bears have been seen in the area. Between bears and hunters in the woods, I might want to find another place to run. My time was ok, but I was more into the run and not the time. The only issue I am having is trying to figure out how much clothing is enough. By my 2 mile mark, I am shedding clothes. I need to figure out the right amount.

Last night I decided to do some treadmill speed training. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill. My highest speed was 7.7. It was a great workout. Watching the weather forecast, I will be doing more treadmill work this week. My motivation song was Nine Inch Nails " Closer". Funny part is when the song came on, I was watching Entertainment Tonight and they were discussing the Tiger issue. Had to chuckle. The song should be his theme song.

Training for a half marathon with Mom in AZ in March.
Next 5k is New Year's Eve.

It has been difficult lately to stay focused and motivated to run and work out. The days have been cold and gloomy. All I want to do is crash on the couch or load in front of the computer. I need to push myself so I don't start gaining weight. Plus, I would really like to focus on my work outs over the next 4 months to get my body into the best shape possible. I feel great so far; need to keep pushing.

Thanksgiving and what not: 2009

The past few weeks have been fun and crazy. I took some time off from my running in order to get some other things done around the house. Thanksgiving was different this year; kind of sad. Usually Steve and I go to New Castle for lunch at my Aunt's house, hang out and have some fun and then go to Steve's Moms for dinner. We typically are stuffed and are unable to move by the end of the day. This year, due to everyone's schedule, we were not able to hook up with family in New Castle. Thursday morning, I got up, checked facebook and then started cleaning the house. Did not seem like a holiday; seemed like "just another day". Steve came over and we decided to take the dog for a walk. I took that opportunity to get a run in, knowing how many calories were going to be consumed later that day. We went to the lake, I ran while Steve walked Tikka. That really seemed weird that we were not with family. I was sad during my run knowing that we were missing family time. What made it even worse, is that my parents did not come into town for Thanksgiving again this year.

Dinner at Steve's Moms was great. Had a great time with his family. The really nice part of the day was that I didn't feel bloated at the end of the day.

Black Friday: Steve and I hit the mall and started Christmas shopping. We shopped for 6 hrs or so. He only got yelled at by me once. He hasn't learned yet that when you go shopping with me that is what you do, SHOP - not follow me while I shop. Once we got that cleared up, the rest of the day was fun and enjoyable. When Mom use to be here for Thanksgiving, her and I would shop. I miss that!!! Not that I don't like shopping with Steve; it is just different "shopping" with Mom.

The rest of the weekend was filled with more shopping to get more people done on the Christmas list. I spent a day putting out all the Christmas decorations. I love this time of year. It is stressful but so much fun.

Where is my Valium?

11.19.09

I love the holidays!! But the holidays are not that great on my nerves. I only have myself to blame though. I want (have) to make from this time till after Christmas, perfect. The house is decorated for Thanksgiving. The tart warmers are dispersing warm, cinnamon and harvest type smells all throughout the house. Plans are already being made on where we will be going for Thanksgiving and what I will make to take with us.

The calendar is filled from now till the day after Christmas with preparations, shopping, parties, etc. The day after Thanksgiving is booked for all day shopping; hoping to get most of my Christmas shopping done. I love being in the malls on that day. Everyone is happy and on a mission to get that special someone the gift that will make them smile. That weekend is set aside for further shopping, to take down the Thanksgiving decorations, and pull out the numerous crates of Christmas decorations. I LOVE decorating for Christmas. I usually put up 3 Christmas trees and decorations in any room in the house (excluding bedrooms). Each year I add more and more to my collection. This year, I am adding garland that I made last weekend. Last year I found a woodsy/berry/evergreen garland that I fell in love with. The problem: it was 75.00 per 6ft at this antique shop. Of Course I walked out without it, but returned a few days later and got the price down to 45.00. This still pained me but I loved it so much, I bought 2. The 2 lengths did not cover what I needed and I just couldn't pull out the wallet and get more, so I stared and stared and finally came to the conclusion THAT, 'I CAN MAKE THAT" I have been bitten by my mother's disease!! Off to Joann Fabric I went the day after Christmas and bought the supplies that I needed to duplicate my prized garland. I spent just about as much but was able to buy enough for many more lengths of garland. I never got around to making the garland this year until last weekend. I have to toot my own horn and say that I can't tell the difference between what I made and what I bought.

Anyway, the house will be filled with Christmas decorations and the tart warmers will now spread the scent of evergreen/pine and peppermint. I look forward to my decorating day(s). I turn on Christmas music, keep the TV off and enjoy the time of reflection and anticipation of what is to come.

As the weeks tick by and we get closer, my anxiety builds. I must get that perfect gift for my parents or Steve, the cookies must be baked, the presents must be wrapped and placed under the tree, we have to attend that party, etc. I love to experience as many activities as I possibly can to make my Christmas complete. But these experiences also make me lose sight of what my real focus should be: Christ, my family and giving to others joyfully.

Every year I promise myself that the next year I will not put myself (and Steve) through the anxiety of making everything perfect for Christmas. I am honest enough to say that this year will be like all the rest. I start out with great excitement and plans which will turn into anxiety and frustration in a few weeks. I am hoping that my running will decrease some of the pressure this year.

Today at work, I was thinking/looking at my calendar and seeing what all "has"to be done and when my parent's are coming into town. My heart began to race and my stomach started to ache. Deep breathes Kim. I wanted so badly to put on my running shoes, my headphones and get lost in my world during a run. After work, I did just that. It wasn't an eventful run, but relaxing. I didn't learn anything new but just enjoyed the world being blacked out from my sight. My anxiety subsided. I am hoping this is a trend for the 2009 holiday season.

Another End of Life Discussion

I take care of people daily that have been diagnosed with Lung and Esophageal Cancer. Thankfully, a good majority of my patient's have a positive response to their cancer treatments. Unfortunately, some of my patients do not have such favorable outcomes. Everyone deals with their own death differently. Some regress, some have anger, cry, get depressed, dive into denial and yet some face it with honesty and acceptance. These patients are the ones that stretch me to my limits and force me to face my own mortality.

I have had the end of life discussion numerous times over the past 14 years. The questions are consistent: How much time do I have left; What do I expect as the Cancer progresses; How do I tell my loved ones and the list goes on. How the patient and the family handles the information and how I present the information, changes each time.

Monday, I started my rounds and headed towards one of my patient's room. Her door was shut with a note on it that said, "Do Not Disturb. I am Disturbed Already". She is in her 60's and her life was turned upside down last week. She thought her health was good up until 2 weeks ago. She started having some symptoms that led her to the hospital. One week later, she is diagnosed with terminal, aggressive Cancer. Of course she is disturbed!! I went in her room to discuss discharging her from the hospital. Her TV was on with the volume down low. Curtains were closed so that the room is as black as it can be. Her and I talk for a few minutes about discharge instructions, then, the questions started. Most of the time, I see this conversation coming and in some cases, I start it. For some reason though, I didn't see it coming with this lady. She began to cry and ask the same questions they all do: How much time ..... I answered her with honestly, the best I could. All of a sudden, I realized that as I am talking with her, I am internally analyzing my mortality and trying to answer, "What would I do if I were in her shoes"? She doesn't have insurance, no money and needs a lot of expensive treatments/medications to keep her at home. I felt her hopelessness and frustration, placing myself in her shoes. Unlike this lady, I questioned the motivation to keep going. Would I keep fighting and dealing with frustrations of signing over my house and getting my finances into order and doing all the necessary things to prepare for my death? I am not so sure I would have the strength to do it. I would be very tempted to relinquish all my responsibilities immediately. This lady has more strength and determination than she should. She is ready to face what is the remainder of her life and do what is expected of her. The last blow that I felt is when I heard myself say, "Most likely, this is your last Christmas"(I am sure some of you just gasped and are thinking how harsh and rude I am for saying those words. I assure you, it was appropriate in this particular conversation). She verbalized she was aware of that and she actually gave me a little smile. I wondered how she is going to prepare differently for this Christmas? How would I? What will be going through her mind on Christmas morning?

I answered all her questions and created many more for myself. Disturbed at how I felt on the inside and the lack of strength that I was exhibiting internally, I said good bye and turned to leave the room. The next words that I heard brought tears to my eyes. As I got to the door, I heard her say, "Thank you for your honesty and ability to discuss this with me". I did my job correctly today!!

On a lighter note, my job is not this depressing; usually. I do have great, light hearted stories that I should share from time to time.

Faster, Faster

11.17.09

I used my inhaler, got Tikka ready and her and I hit the pavement for a run. Tikka is getting lazy so I can't run very far with her. We only went 2 miles. Since my mileage was low, I increased my speed. At certain points in my run, I was sprinting close to my full speed. I was able to keep my breathing steady. THIS IS GREAT!!!! I'm not so sure that Tikka was thrilled. She was glad our run was short lived. She isn't enjoying the runs like I do, I don't think. My motivation songs were: Slade - Run, Run Away and Escape by Enrique. All in all, this run was uneventful.