Where is my Valium?

11.19.09

I love the holidays!! But the holidays are not that great on my nerves. I only have myself to blame though. I want (have) to make from this time till after Christmas, perfect. The house is decorated for Thanksgiving. The tart warmers are dispersing warm, cinnamon and harvest type smells all throughout the house. Plans are already being made on where we will be going for Thanksgiving and what I will make to take with us.

The calendar is filled from now till the day after Christmas with preparations, shopping, parties, etc. The day after Thanksgiving is booked for all day shopping; hoping to get most of my Christmas shopping done. I love being in the malls on that day. Everyone is happy and on a mission to get that special someone the gift that will make them smile. That weekend is set aside for further shopping, to take down the Thanksgiving decorations, and pull out the numerous crates of Christmas decorations. I LOVE decorating for Christmas. I usually put up 3 Christmas trees and decorations in any room in the house (excluding bedrooms). Each year I add more and more to my collection. This year, I am adding garland that I made last weekend. Last year I found a woodsy/berry/evergreen garland that I fell in love with. The problem: it was 75.00 per 6ft at this antique shop. Of Course I walked out without it, but returned a few days later and got the price down to 45.00. This still pained me but I loved it so much, I bought 2. The 2 lengths did not cover what I needed and I just couldn't pull out the wallet and get more, so I stared and stared and finally came to the conclusion THAT, 'I CAN MAKE THAT" I have been bitten by my mother's disease!! Off to Joann Fabric I went the day after Christmas and bought the supplies that I needed to duplicate my prized garland. I spent just about as much but was able to buy enough for many more lengths of garland. I never got around to making the garland this year until last weekend. I have to toot my own horn and say that I can't tell the difference between what I made and what I bought.

Anyway, the house will be filled with Christmas decorations and the tart warmers will now spread the scent of evergreen/pine and peppermint. I look forward to my decorating day(s). I turn on Christmas music, keep the TV off and enjoy the time of reflection and anticipation of what is to come.

As the weeks tick by and we get closer, my anxiety builds. I must get that perfect gift for my parents or Steve, the cookies must be baked, the presents must be wrapped and placed under the tree, we have to attend that party, etc. I love to experience as many activities as I possibly can to make my Christmas complete. But these experiences also make me lose sight of what my real focus should be: Christ, my family and giving to others joyfully.

Every year I promise myself that the next year I will not put myself (and Steve) through the anxiety of making everything perfect for Christmas. I am honest enough to say that this year will be like all the rest. I start out with great excitement and plans which will turn into anxiety and frustration in a few weeks. I am hoping that my running will decrease some of the pressure this year.

Today at work, I was thinking/looking at my calendar and seeing what all "has"to be done and when my parent's are coming into town. My heart began to race and my stomach started to ache. Deep breathes Kim. I wanted so badly to put on my running shoes, my headphones and get lost in my world during a run. After work, I did just that. It wasn't an eventful run, but relaxing. I didn't learn anything new but just enjoyed the world being blacked out from my sight. My anxiety subsided. I am hoping this is a trend for the 2009 holiday season.

Another End of Life Discussion

I take care of people daily that have been diagnosed with Lung and Esophageal Cancer. Thankfully, a good majority of my patient's have a positive response to their cancer treatments. Unfortunately, some of my patients do not have such favorable outcomes. Everyone deals with their own death differently. Some regress, some have anger, cry, get depressed, dive into denial and yet some face it with honesty and acceptance. These patients are the ones that stretch me to my limits and force me to face my own mortality.

I have had the end of life discussion numerous times over the past 14 years. The questions are consistent: How much time do I have left; What do I expect as the Cancer progresses; How do I tell my loved ones and the list goes on. How the patient and the family handles the information and how I present the information, changes each time.

Monday, I started my rounds and headed towards one of my patient's room. Her door was shut with a note on it that said, "Do Not Disturb. I am Disturbed Already". She is in her 60's and her life was turned upside down last week. She thought her health was good up until 2 weeks ago. She started having some symptoms that led her to the hospital. One week later, she is diagnosed with terminal, aggressive Cancer. Of course she is disturbed!! I went in her room to discuss discharging her from the hospital. Her TV was on with the volume down low. Curtains were closed so that the room is as black as it can be. Her and I talk for a few minutes about discharge instructions, then, the questions started. Most of the time, I see this conversation coming and in some cases, I start it. For some reason though, I didn't see it coming with this lady. She began to cry and ask the same questions they all do: How much time ..... I answered her with honestly, the best I could. All of a sudden, I realized that as I am talking with her, I am internally analyzing my mortality and trying to answer, "What would I do if I were in her shoes"? She doesn't have insurance, no money and needs a lot of expensive treatments/medications to keep her at home. I felt her hopelessness and frustration, placing myself in her shoes. Unlike this lady, I questioned the motivation to keep going. Would I keep fighting and dealing with frustrations of signing over my house and getting my finances into order and doing all the necessary things to prepare for my death? I am not so sure I would have the strength to do it. I would be very tempted to relinquish all my responsibilities immediately. This lady has more strength and determination than she should. She is ready to face what is the remainder of her life and do what is expected of her. The last blow that I felt is when I heard myself say, "Most likely, this is your last Christmas"(I am sure some of you just gasped and are thinking how harsh and rude I am for saying those words. I assure you, it was appropriate in this particular conversation). She verbalized she was aware of that and she actually gave me a little smile. I wondered how she is going to prepare differently for this Christmas? How would I? What will be going through her mind on Christmas morning?

I answered all her questions and created many more for myself. Disturbed at how I felt on the inside and the lack of strength that I was exhibiting internally, I said good bye and turned to leave the room. The next words that I heard brought tears to my eyes. As I got to the door, I heard her say, "Thank you for your honesty and ability to discuss this with me". I did my job correctly today!!

On a lighter note, my job is not this depressing; usually. I do have great, light hearted stories that I should share from time to time.

Faster, Faster

11.17.09

I used my inhaler, got Tikka ready and her and I hit the pavement for a run. Tikka is getting lazy so I can't run very far with her. We only went 2 miles. Since my mileage was low, I increased my speed. At certain points in my run, I was sprinting close to my full speed. I was able to keep my breathing steady. THIS IS GREAT!!!! I'm not so sure that Tikka was thrilled. She was glad our run was short lived. She isn't enjoying the runs like I do, I don't think. My motivation songs were: Slade - Run, Run Away and Escape by Enrique. All in all, this run was uneventful.

I have a breathing issue?

11.16.09

Medical professionals are the worst at seeking medical attention; I'm no exception. I have been dealing with Bronchitis for over a week. I put myself on an antibiotic; no change. One of the pulmonologist at work insisted that I see him in his office. Friday, I went to see him. Tests showed possibility of Asthma. "I don't have Asthma. I should know. I don't wheeze and I can run without any problems", I tell him. I humored the doctor and took the inhalers and script for another antibiotic. To my own surprise, I followed his directions. I started to notice that my cough was improving; the meds were working. Monday, I secretly hit the road for a run. I couldn't stand it any longer. I wasn't having fever and was on meds so why not. He had given me an inhaler to use before my runs. Once again, I humored him by using it before my run. A mile into my run I noticed that my breathing was different; I wasn't struggling to catch my breath. I was running faster than my usual pace. I had a revelation! I realized that my frustration of not being able to increase my speed has had nothing to do with leg strength. It has solely been related to my inability to breath, AKA - Asthma. So I say to myself, "this could have been a fluke. Have to prove to myself that the inhaler made a difference". Next day, use the inhaler again; same result. I think this story is just beginning.

My run was awesome. I felt stronger and my breathing was great. I only ran 3 miles but enjoyed it immensely. It was 54 degrees, no wind and dark out. I am really enjoying running at night. I can get lost in my own world much easier; pay no attention to what is going on around me (besides watching out for cars). Two songs emotionally stirred me: Kid Rock - All Summer Long and Human League - Human.

Adventures in running

11.12.09

Last week I went for a 4 mile run after work. I was a little apprehensive about running since it was 40 degrees out. In the past, I have never liked to run in cold weather. I have decided that this winter, I am going to continue my training outside and get use to running in the cold. IT WAS AWESOME!!!! Best run I have had in a while. I was so loose, kept warm but not over heated. With it being dark, it was as if I was in my own world. I am so looking forward to a run at night with light snow, enjoying the Christmas lights as I pound the pavement.

Sunday I went for a 6 mile run. 68 degrees and sunny. Overall, very good run. My motivation songs were: Dr Dre "Nuthin but a G thang" and "Sober" by Pink. I have to laugh though because it is not out of the ordinary to see or experience something to make each run unique and memorable. The first 4 miles were nothing special. Then, as I am looking down at the sidewalk ahead of me, I notice green plastic. About every 10-15 ft was a green coffee creamer cup turned upside down. This went on for several blocks. I laughed out loud at the scenarios that were playing in my mind as to why and how these green things were placed. I won't bore you or reveal my immaturity with the scenarios. The coffee creamers stop and I come across a huge pile of vomit. I wasn't laughing anymore.

Monday I couldn't run due to a cold. I have been sick this fall more times than I ever have in my life. Not sure what the problem is.

Tuesday I ran despite my bronchitis. Probably not smart, but that wouldn't be the first time I did something dumb. The run was actually really good. Only went 2.5 miles and I took Tikka with me. I came home and did 20 minutes of P 90x. How embarrassing; I can't do a pull up. I did ok with the push ups but I have tons of work to do on the pull ups.

Catching up: way over due

I am way overdue for a post. Things have been really crazy since my half. I still often think of my half and smile. What a great experience. Mom and I are training for a half in Arizona in March.

Since my half, here is what has occurred. My IT band began to bother me some several days after the race. I held off on running for a week but jumped right into boot camp several days after the race. I also bought new running shoes the week after my race and wore them to boot camp to break them in. Short version, my IT band worsened!!! I was financially committed to boot camp therefore my running schedule was slashed to 1 run a week. The pain continued and my online search for relief was intense. I was educated that my problem was multi-faceted: I was running incorrectly (heel to toe instead of balls of feet), not stretching enough, pushing my body too much ( I do have to accept that I am not 18 anymore and my body does have limits). Stretching, massage therapy, rest and Motrin is what the doctor ordered. Since boot camp ended, I have seen the most improvement. Happy to note that I am finally pain free from the IT and my old issue, the good ole shin splints.

10.4.09 I ran in a 5k at the Pittsburgh Zoo. I was really excited about this race. We were running through the zoo and my friend Katie was running her first 5k with me. It was cold that morning but I stretched, had my music ready and was ready to try to beat my previous 5k race time. The race started, I felt great, had an awesome pace and was looking forward to the part of running by the animals (at least that is what I thought). If you are not from Pittsburgh or never been to the Pgh zoo you wouldn't know that the zoo is built on a small mountain (it's really called a hill but in reality, when you are running, it is a small mountain). The first mile was around the parking lot and was flat. The second mile was all up hill; up the mountain. I had never ran a hill so long and high before. Mentally I was both flustered and challenged. My IT band began to ache some. I finally reached the top of the mountain thinking "at least I have that behind me now". As quickly as I thought that, we entered the zoo and began to run up hill even further. By now, my IT band is killing me. I was so focused on my pain and trying to relieve it that I missed the joy of the animals. "GREAT, we are heading down hill"!! Now for all you runners that have ever had IT band issues, you could finish this story without reading any further. Down hill is the most painful with IT band problems. I limped down the mountain for over half a mile. I crossed the finish line running but was very upset with the results. It was my worst time. I finished in 31:23 giving me a 10:07 mile. Finished 254 out of 365 and 30 out of 55 in my age group.

Needless to say, the next several weeks not much running occurred. I missed my second half marathon that I was signed up for. That race was 13 miles all down hill at a slight grade. I didn't even attempt it (weather was bad any way). I decided to hold off on all races until my legs were back to normal; which they are. Now I am looking at possibly running on Thanksgiving.